on the great tragedy of alderaan

carrie.jpeg

I've been consuming. ravenously absorbing and incessantly consuming all that I can in a glib effort to pay homage. this is gold and I wish I could take credit for her prose but its beyond me and i suppose its better that way. simply consume.

________

I mustn't allow myself to get sucked into thinking that it's romantic to be neurotic, that being neurotic means one has to be complicated and somewhat intellectual. Deep. Proud of the fact that you can sink into the depths of despair. A neurotic, complicated, somewhat intellectual, deep gal who's also wacky, zany and madcap. A must at a wake.

I must be who I am and people adjust to it. Don't try to rush or influence the decision. Do not let what you think they think of you make you stop and question everything you are. Surely between the various yous, you can find that you not only have enough going for you to keep going, but to "take you far." Maybe even to Alderaan and back.

Who are you doing all this bullshit for? Certainly not yourself. If you were the only one around to be yourself for, you'd stop for the lack of interest. You know all the shit you tell people - you know it, you've lived it, you're living it, etc. So whats the point of telling any and everybody else? Ingratiating yourself to them by being so available. "admitting" and "confessing" and "confiding" all those things that sound secret and special and spontaneous when its really just the same old ploy. Seduction. I would resent it if I were on the outside looking in. Someone telling me things I didn't ask to hear. Telling me things I don't want to hear. Too much, too soon. and I don't know what she wants in return. Am I supposed to nod and smile, look interested, or does she expect me to exchange stories? Does she expect me to tell her about my childhood, my parents, guilt, anxiety, fears, sexuality? 'Cause if she does she's got another thing coming.

I should let people I meet do the work of piecing me together until they can complete, or mostly complete, the puzzle. And when their finished they can look at the picture that they've managed to piece together and decide whether they like it or not. On their own time. Let them discover you.

- Carrie Fisher, The Princess Diarist except from Carrie's diaries in 1976

Carling Harps